The Ups & Downs of Self-Diagnosis, or OH MY GOD WHY AM I TAKING SPEED AT WORK

Oh how I love self-diagnosis, and not JUST because it is so often a preamble to self medication...

So I am taking out and shining up Sam's fairly new ADHD/ODD diagnosis. Now that he has things like homework and reading log and "dress like the 50's day" it suddenly seems to matter in a way that it didn't before. I am doing, well...what I do. Sam gets a diagnosis, and I get a new library card. I have read more about ADHD in the last month...this is just my approach to life. It presents a challange, and I respond confidently, "the answer is in a book somewhere. I just have to find it." (This attitude will inevitably be replaced with "Fuck the experts they don't know my kid." But we're not quite there yet.)

I've learned that ADHD is almost always genetic. We're talking anywhere from 75% - 90% of the time, depending on what study you're reading. So of course I'm looking at the hubby & I. Which one is it? Well, anyone who knows me knows I suffer from my husband's OCD, and for that (thank God) he's medicated. But he is very...focused. On task. What have you.

I, on the other hand, operate similarly to the dogs in the recent Pixar film 'Up' (squirrel!). I have a horrendous time staying focused at work, as evidenced by my numerous mid-day Facebook posts and almost compulsive visits to CNN.com. It takes me 3 days to finish a grocery list which I will more often than not lose before I go grocery shopping. Could it be...?

Further reading reveals that there are certain anti-depressants that work well in treating ADHD for those who, for medical reasons, can't take stimulants (ie heart defects, etc.). Guess what? The anti-depressants that most effectively treat ADHD symptoms also just happen to be the anti-depressants that have worked best for me. (oh, welbutrin...how i miss you. why o why have you forsaken me?)

Also, apprently adults who suffer from undiagnosed ADHD often self-medicate with caffeine. Hmmm...

I'm sold. And I just so happen to have a whole bottle full of these 5mg Ritalin. And did I mention I've had a really hard time staying focused at work lately? (and am trying to land a promotion?)

After my 3rd cup of joe one morning I slip one of these teeny white pills into my pants pocket and head to work (cups 4&5 at my side in my travel mug). Around 1:00pm, when having the same conversation for the 23rd time that day becomes unbearable, I pop the pill. And, well...casual drug use never really used to be a problem for me - you know, in my previous life. In retrospect I'm kind of amazed at how cavalierly I would once-upon-a-time take a pill because, well, why not (as opposed to now, when I will cavalierly take a pill because my doctor, in his Pfizer-sponsored lab coat, tells me to.)

But it occurs to me (about 20 seconds after swallowing the pill) that my casual drug use days were a lifetime ago. I'm a Mom now. And I'm at work. Why am I taking speed at work? OH MY GOD WHY AM I TAKING SPEED AT WORK?! By 1:20 my heartrate is through the roof. I'm pretty sure this has more to do with my anxiety about taking my son's Ritalin than the actual effects of said Ritalin.

Needless to say (so funny to write that in a blog. Blogging has pretty much killed the very concept of 'needless to say', hasn't it? Perhaps a topic for another day.) I digress...imagine that.

Needless to say I did not eek any extra productivity out of that particular day. And, sponsored by Pfizer or not, if I suspect my diagnosis of 'moderate depressive disorder' is off, I should probably have a talk with my doctor about it before experimenting with my son's meds. For now I'll chalk it up to "taking a proactive stance in my own healthcare needs". That said...anyone have any Xanax they're looking to unload?