11.26.2012

Darkness

“No matter how dark the room gets I can always see. It looks emptier when I put the lights on so I don't do it if I can help it. Brightness disagrees with me: it hurts my eyes, wastes electricity and encourages moths, all sorts of things. I sit in the dark for a number of reasons.” 
― Janice GallowayThe Trick Is to Keep Breathing

Perusing Goodreads.com for quotes related to 'Darkness' is generally not to be taken as a good sign, but let's start where we are. And we are in darkness.

The thing about darkness that I'm particularly stuck on is that it doesn't lessen by sharing. You can sit with me in my darkness and it's nice to think, for you at least, I'm sure, that that is helpful. But sharing darkness does nothing to alleviate it and in fact often grows it. And I and my kind are so very acutely aware of its pure contagion, that it becomes almost a moral obligation to the world in general and loved ones in particular to hide it away. To quarantine oneself. To say, through word or action, "Keep your distance - you don't want this."

Any decent therapist, first year psych student, or casual reader of the most pedestrian psycho-blog drivel (erhrmm) - will tell you that you are "isolating" (always the gerund, not sure why) and that "isolating" is a very bad thing. It turns depression in on itself, magnifies it. Leads to "ruminating" (a personal favorite) and, inevitably, "spiraling" (to be avoided at all costs). But that is irrelevant, because if they're selling that drivel then they've never been depressed, or compelled to add to that depression the concern about how said depression affects those around you, which is exhausting and omnipresent. As it should be, otherwise you'd just be a selfish asshole who doesn't care  how their choices (choices?!) affect those around them. And oh but there is a canyon of difference between self-indulgent and selfish. Thank goodness.

So, two things. A) Darkness is not alleviated by sharing and B) Darkness is in fact contagious. Quarantine is clearly the only reasonable response.There is nothing to be gained by its avoidance. But this offers a new challenge, which is how do you not alienate the people who love you with the practice of quarantine? They will feel slighted. They always do. And you will attempt to explain to them that you are sparing them your very ugly pain, and they will either be offended or look at you with the mixture of fear and disgust  reserved for the truly insane. If they're self-centered they'll be offended - of course they can help and how dare you presume otherwise? If they're merely so comfortable in their sanity, the only state they've ever known, they will fear you've gone off the cliff. Either way you've hurt them. There is no winning, which of course exacerbates the fight.