Ho Ho...hum

The need to swallow your wallow and deck the halls is probably THE most depressing thing about the Holidays. Wondering if I should even post...eh...fuck it. Gotta bleed it out, you know? Not like anyone actually reads this shit ;)
So I am having a REALLY hard time looking forward to Christmas. The most obvious trigger is the fact that this is my first Christmas without the kids. I'll see them, of course - at 4:00pm Christmas day. I'll spend Christmas Eve alone in my apartment - most likely with a bottle of red and Law & Order reruns. Difficult to get warm & fuzzy about that.
Trigger #2 - money. I am broke. And yes I understand that its not about the presents and yes I understand that its not a competition. But those facts are little comfort when your kids are opening Dollar General toys (and are old enough to know it). So what do I do? Spend too much money and pay the electric bill late. Great. Just what my newly-seperated credit rating needs.
Trigger #3 - regret. In case I wasn't having a hard enough time holding my head up around the office with my less than stellar sales performance, I decided to be THAT GUY and get loaded at the company Christmas party. Well, 'decided' is probably not the word...I completely lacked even my usual too-late realization that I'm not nearly as entertaining as I think I am. Ouch.
Trigger #4 - Social engagements. Picture it: a Holiday tradition of girls-night-out only with the husbands. 13 couples, me, and an empty place setting next to me. Which actually was not that bad...until the pity vibe set in. Nicest gals in the world and I'm sure its at least 70% in my head. But when I got the wine in the white elephant and NO ONE tried to steal...I knew there was some serious pity going on. Didn't even need the "don't steal that - she needs it more than you do!" comment to realize that I was a downer on the whole damn crowd. Made my exit early.
And I guess that's the theme. I feel....contagious. The need to make my exit early so as not to bring down the rest of the world. Depression is lonely. Depression during the holidays is self-imposed banishment. I'm like a leper. Everyone is hoping for snow, cuddling with their loved ones in front of fires with hot chocolate listening to Bing Crosby. Or so it seems. The last thing they want or need is me and my relentless bitching.
I do not begrudge my friends this hapiness. I wish it for them from the bottom of my heart - even if its beyond me. Its not envy - its not that I want that feeling for myself so much as I hate that I'm not contributing to it for my loved ones.
So, I should make some lame attempt to bring this full circle and provide a positive take-away per my usual blog posts.
Well, for one, its real. I mean, I know the few people who read these have experienced this. Depression doesn't have great timing.
There is one thing I'm looking forward to.
I am an absolute sucker for New Year's. Not New Year's Eve - god knows what hole in the wall will find me 5 whiskeys in and sucking at pool that night - but New Year's Day. I'm the resolution queen and I buy it every time (see post "cycles" for some insight on resolutions).
I'll start with the utterly predictable - I'm gonna exercise. I'm trying to be realistic and start with yoga 3 times a week. Seems reasonable. I'll throw the cardio in when it becomes a well-established habbit.
I'm going to reinstate my previous ban on fast food, which has been relaxed in the face of "eating for one". This will be difficult as Big Macs have suddenly taken on the gleam of cocaine.
Mostly, I'm looking forward to routine. That is what I know I need. Come home. Cook myself dinner. Do some yoga. Go to bed and read. Repeat.
Throw myself into work with utter abandon on the weeks I don't have the kids. This will require my ex to pick up our daughter, which will mean a less-than-pleasant conversation. Oh well.
Be honest with myself. Stop buying my own bullshit. If I were that good a salesman I'd be making more money.
Discipline. Stick to it. See it through. Follow up. Quit scheduling tasks and actually do some.
Oh I do love me some New Year's resolutions. I buy it, too - hook, line & sinker. I love it.
So that's the shooting star I'm currently hanging my hopes on. Its a thin veneer but sometimes that's all that's needed.