Cycles

"Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle." Eric Zorn said - or wrote - that. Some columnist for the Chicago tribune. Smart guy, I reckon.

I've got cycles on the brain these days. How they can be so predictable yet...somehow I'm always surprised. The merry-go-round - it doesn't go anywhere. You're gonna pass that same brass ring everytime, and if you've never grabbed it, chances are you never will. But every time you pass it - the same cycle. Hope. Anticipation. Effort. Dissappointment. (Denial, Anger...oh, wait - different cycle. Kind of)

I work in sales and that is a cycle. Lead generation, cold calls, initial appointments, proposals, rejections, cheaper proposals, and (I'm told, from time to time) closes. At this point I've cost my employer more in locksmiths and replacement blackberries than I've brought in, so apparently this is a cycle I have yet to master.

Parenting is a cycle - a one step forward, two steps back sort of cycle. In that case, though, giving up on the brass ring is just not an option.

Marraige - mine, at any rate - cycle. Things are okay. Things are annoying. Things kinda suck. Things suck bad. I'm looking up lawyers on my lunch break. Big fight. More couples therapy. Things improve. Great weekend. Things are awesome. Things are really good. Things are okay...

Depression. Ugh - such an obvious cycle. Stimulus is unpleasant/stressful/reminds you that you were never breastfed/what-have-you (pick your theory). Your brain, dopamine or seratonin deficient, reacts with anger/ambivilance/insomnia/fatigue (pick your symptom). In so doing it creates a neural pathway which it becomes, sadly (pun intended) very comfortable with. The more times you're presented with the stimulus, the more worn in the neural pathway becomes, the more predictable your response.

Medication - beyond cyclical. Start at 10mgs, wait 6 weeks, go to 20, add (excruciatingly overpriced) Abilify...still not working? Perhaps a mood stabalizer...at any rate - it's an efficacy/tolerance/efficacy/tolerance cycle that frankly scares the bejesus out of me because, you know, at some point you just run out of new shit to try.

Throw in the fact that every depressive episode makes another depressive episode more likely...meh. cycles.

So here's my question - why can't we master the cycles? I mean they're so obvious, so predictable...why can't we head them off at the pass? Offer a cheaper proposal to begin with? Skip right to the great weekend? Go straight for the crack?

I'm guessing Eric knows what he's talking about. It's the process. It's the 'cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance'. The journey, not the destination. The ride, not the ring (pick your cliche).

I think he's a smart guy, but I get the nagging feeling that I'm missing something. I get the nagging feeling that, perhaps, I should be conisdering new resolutions rather than making and breaking the same ones in a, well, never-ending cycle.

The Ups & Downs of Self-Diagnosis, or OH MY GOD WHY AM I TAKING SPEED AT WORK

Oh how I love self-diagnosis, and not JUST because it is so often a preamble to self medication...

So I am taking out and shining up Sam's fairly new ADHD/ODD diagnosis. Now that he has things like homework and reading log and "dress like the 50's day" it suddenly seems to matter in a way that it didn't before. I am doing, well...what I do. Sam gets a diagnosis, and I get a new library card. I have read more about ADHD in the last month...this is just my approach to life. It presents a challange, and I respond confidently, "the answer is in a book somewhere. I just have to find it." (This attitude will inevitably be replaced with "Fuck the experts they don't know my kid." But we're not quite there yet.)

I've learned that ADHD is almost always genetic. We're talking anywhere from 75% - 90% of the time, depending on what study you're reading. So of course I'm looking at the hubby & I. Which one is it? Well, anyone who knows me knows I suffer from my husband's OCD, and for that (thank God) he's medicated. But he is very...focused. On task. What have you.

I, on the other hand, operate similarly to the dogs in the recent Pixar film 'Up' (squirrel!). I have a horrendous time staying focused at work, as evidenced by my numerous mid-day Facebook posts and almost compulsive visits to CNN.com. It takes me 3 days to finish a grocery list which I will more often than not lose before I go grocery shopping. Could it be...?

Further reading reveals that there are certain anti-depressants that work well in treating ADHD for those who, for medical reasons, can't take stimulants (ie heart defects, etc.). Guess what? The anti-depressants that most effectively treat ADHD symptoms also just happen to be the anti-depressants that have worked best for me. (oh, welbutrin...how i miss you. why o why have you forsaken me?)

Also, apprently adults who suffer from undiagnosed ADHD often self-medicate with caffeine. Hmmm...

I'm sold. And I just so happen to have a whole bottle full of these 5mg Ritalin. And did I mention I've had a really hard time staying focused at work lately? (and am trying to land a promotion?)

After my 3rd cup of joe one morning I slip one of these teeny white pills into my pants pocket and head to work (cups 4&5 at my side in my travel mug). Around 1:00pm, when having the same conversation for the 23rd time that day becomes unbearable, I pop the pill. And, well...casual drug use never really used to be a problem for me - you know, in my previous life. In retrospect I'm kind of amazed at how cavalierly I would once-upon-a-time take a pill because, well, why not (as opposed to now, when I will cavalierly take a pill because my doctor, in his Pfizer-sponsored lab coat, tells me to.)

But it occurs to me (about 20 seconds after swallowing the pill) that my casual drug use days were a lifetime ago. I'm a Mom now. And I'm at work. Why am I taking speed at work? OH MY GOD WHY AM I TAKING SPEED AT WORK?! By 1:20 my heartrate is through the roof. I'm pretty sure this has more to do with my anxiety about taking my son's Ritalin than the actual effects of said Ritalin.

Needless to say (so funny to write that in a blog. Blogging has pretty much killed the very concept of 'needless to say', hasn't it? Perhaps a topic for another day.) I digress...imagine that.

Needless to say I did not eek any extra productivity out of that particular day. And, sponsored by Pfizer or not, if I suspect my diagnosis of 'moderate depressive disorder' is off, I should probably have a talk with my doctor about it before experimenting with my son's meds. For now I'll chalk it up to "taking a proactive stance in my own healthcare needs". That said...anyone have any Xanax they're looking to unload?

Gutter balls

The problem with a blog about depression is, well...sometimes you're just too damn depressed to keep up with it.
I was reading the other day about how there's actual medical evidence to support the idea that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". As we're growing and well into adulthood, every time we do something the same way or react the same way to some random external stimulus, we create a neural pathway in our brain. Think of this pathway as a rut, like the gutter on the sides of a bowling lane. Everytime you have this same reaction, that rut gets a little deeper, ensuring that the next time you're faced with same stimulus, you'll react the same way again - deepening the rut again. I know, I know...just bear with me a moment on this.
So, this is a lot of what depression is - that sort of grey, murky middle-ground between the physical aspect (fatigue!), the mental aspect (seratonin!) and the emotional aspect (guilt!). You get into these mental & emotional habits that contribute to your depression. The more engrained they become, the more difficult they are to correct. Once that bowling ball is halfway down the lane, it takes ALOT of outside intervention to get it out of the gutter. You gotta stop the game. You gotta get down the lane faster than the ball is travelling, stop it, pick it up, bring it back to the beginning...dear god its exhausting just thinking about it.
That outside intervention takes many forms. Some we do for ourselves - exercise, meditation (I'm told pets are supposed to help but my dog just pisses me off). Some our doctors help with - cognitive behavioral therapy, medication (which is kinda like bowling with the kiddy bumpers up). But it's all about stopping the ball. Getting it out of the gutter. Even though it wants to go to the gutter, because you've been bowling gutter balls for the last 20 years and frankly its the only way you know how to bowl.
I figured out I was depressed - I mean, really probably had a problem, the family history and all, the whole nine yards - maybe 7 or 8 years ago. And when I started taking Welbutrin, it was well controlled. I exercised. Meditated. Felt...joy, sometimes. But, you know, you get pregnant, gotta go off your meds, have a couple kids...you get busy. You put yourself on the back burner. We all do it.
So back to the ruts. All that while, it was sneaking up on me. My mind was reverting to those same old neural pathways, those smooth, easy-to-follow grooves it was already so comfortable with. And here's my fear: what if they're just too damn deep now to fix? What if the ball has travelled too far and its too late to stop it and get it out of the gutter?
Seven years ago I had all the time in the world. Depression was just this transient thing - a tough time I was going through. What if that's not the case? What if it isn't transient?
Before, I would be in a situation and think "This is really nice. This is the sort of experience I should feel joyful about." But I could remember feeling real joy, and had every reason to believe I would feel it again. Now, honestly, I have every reason to believe that for the rest of my life when I find myself in a situation where one should feel joyful, instead I will feel "This is really nice. This is the sort of experience I should feel joyful about." Its, well...its not the same.