finales

Funny thing about fireworks...everyone's always waiting for the finale.
Last night I packed up the kids and the myriad supplies needed to travel anywhere with them these days (diapers, wipes, toy to distract Sam, water 'cause I'm too cheap to buy it, etc) and headed to our local state park for carnie food and fireworks.
Its my experience that carnivals of any kind, when attended with young children, are generally long periods of waiting and whining punctuated by short bursts of sheer joy. Add to that the fact that fireworks are always hit or miss with Sam, who lives in constant fear of loud noises, and you'd be correct to assume that I was viewing the evening with some trepidation...
Overall the carnival part was not great. Three time outs for Sam, Anna yelling every time she ran out of french fries, and NO ONE happy about the fact that I refused to pay $3 each for the fun house. But for the most part not horrific, anyway (with the exception of the live "music").
So we lay out our blanket and sit down for the 45 minute wait (during which Anna regales the crowd with her own special brand of adorable humor). The fireworks start and - mercifully - are not very loud. Okay, here's the part I thought was weird:
Not two minutes into it, people started wondering out loud about the finale. Anytime more that 3 fireworks were sent into the air at once, someone within earshot would say "do you think this is it? Oooo - that looks like a finale..." I couldn't help but notice that most of these people seemed unable to enjoy the fireworks at all except as preparation for the finale. Maybe they're like my husband - so anxiety-ridden that every moment of everyday is nothing but preparation for the next? Maybe they're like my in-laws - so religious that all of this life is but preparation for the ever after? Remove the context of "waiting for the end" and what is the point of sitting through the fireworks at all? Except, of course, to enjoy the fireworks that are actually taking place now.

a really good day

A book I'm reading right now about depression (review to come) says that its not our emotions that are a problem so much as our reactions to our emotions. The authors go into great detail explaining why this is and how it came to be, and I am confident I will only screw it up if I attempt to address it here. So let's just take for granted that they're right. I believe it, anyway... You ever have a day where things are going really well, and all day long you're waiting for the other shoe to drop? "What's going to go wrong?" you ask yourself, "will I lose it on one of the kids or will the dog tear the sofa up? Will I burn dinner, or get in a fight with my husband?" You just know SOMETHING will go wrong. You're a sitting duck, just waiting for it.
And waiting for it, of course, ruins your day. Self-fulfilling prophecy and whatnot. When you look for a terrible time you can usually find one, that's just sort of how it works. Your emotion may be one of happiness or content, but your reaction to that emotion is dread...and you sabotage yourself.
So I've been giving that alot of thought lately, and trying to consciously separate my emotions from my reactions to them. I think I'm a pretty self-aware girl (a self-absorbed one, anyway) but I gotta tell you it is hard, this constant awareness. Of course I've tried before to focus on being more "present", living in the moment, etc. But not so pointedly I guess. Not with a specific intention such as "notice what emotion you're feeling, and then notice, separately, what you're thinking about that emotion. Then take it a step further and challenge your thinking on that emotion. Oh, and do all of this while watching your two kids plus two more and taking care of the house and job-hunting all day." My emotion about this prospect is one of overwhelming...overwhelmness. And my thoughts about that emotion are that it is completely appropriate.
But try I did and you know what? I had a pretty good day. I was happy with my Done List 'round about lunchtime, but still motivated to add to it. I only lost my temper with my son once (that's good for me, in case you don't know me that well) and somehow it didn't set a pattern for the entire day like it usually does. I had a less-than-pleasant conversation with my spouse, but when the conversation was over I was surprisingly able to let it go. Apparently its not even necessary to change either your emotions or your reactions to them, just questioning those reactions can give you the space to have a really good day.

The Done List

I don't really do to-do lists. First of all, I fail at them. They never really get finished, mostly because I'm over-ambitious when writing them in the first place. I'll put things like "reorganize downstairs closet" on a list on a Tuesday when my kids need bathed and I'm baby-sitting for friends. So of course I never get to cross everything off.
Frankly, that makes me feel like a failure. And worse yet is the fact that I now have this physical evidence - this list - to prove my failure. Its indelible. It can't be denied. Failure.
So I do 'done' lists instead. Okay, laugh...no, no, its okay, I'll wait....you done? Oh, no, okay....too damn bad. My Done List works really well for me. First of all I don't have to start it until mid-morning, which is a plus in itself. And I can put stuff on it that just fits my priorities alot better than the usual 'to-do' fare. Things that, at the end of the day, its just important that I did, like "read to Sam for 30 minutes" or "wrestled with Anna on floor". Would you put them on a to-do list? Probably not. But at the end of the day, if your children are your priority, they are very real accomplishments.
The great thing about The Done List is as you add more to it you feel better & better, and more & more motivated to keep adding. So I review it at lunch, mid-afternoon, and after dinner. Its amazing how much gumption to keep going it provides. For anyone with depression, trust me - its a real ambivalence killer.
So here's today's list, just as a random example:

Morning stretch
Took the dog for a walk
Had "me time" on computer before kids got up
Unloaded & reloaded dishwasher
Made eggs for breakfast - yay!
Played "kitchen" with kids for 1/2 hour
Emailed husband
Ran dishwasher
Took kids to see free movie - Tale of Desperaux
Took kids to lunch at McD's - let them play in tunnels for 45 minutes.
Read Anna 3 books, put down for nap
Read to big kids - 45 reading minutes for summer reading program
Made sloppy joe's & salad
Colored with kids
cleaned up in kitchen
Talked with Sam about the dog and being nice
Got Anna up, comforted
Checked in on a troubled friend
Washed berries
Went to therapy - breakthrough: stop feeling guilty for making decisions that are best for you.
Got kids ready for bed
Blogged

Now I realize this is a list that, to someone who is very hung-up on stuff around a house getting done, may seem incomplete. But when I think about MY top priorities in this life - this represents a well-lived day. And when I look at it, I feel good about my accomplishments, a success. And I've got the evidence to back it up.

cross-reference test

j9.minti.com

that should work

Lonliness fights dirty

Loneliness is a mean bastard, and he fights dirty.
There's the surprise attack - when you're in a crowded mall or at a hoppin' party, surrounded by people and suddenly BAM - kick in the gut, you realize you feel utterly, entirely alone. You look around at the sea of faces and feel disconnected from each & every one of them. You can think of nothing save the need for oxygen and sustenance that you could possibly have in common with these people. You're the alien in the crowded room, and therefore lonely in a crowd.
There's the lonely-with-your-kids moments, when you're just dying for an adult conversation. These are the moments that led me to watch CNN 24-hours/day straight for 2 1/2 years. You just want to hear another grown up talk about something other than poop or the Blues Clues guy. This particular brand of loneliness - BONUS - comes with guilt as well, as you will no doubt feel awful for not enjoying your children's company enough. Never enough.
Tonight I'm wrangling with the worst kind of loneliness: the self-induced state of loneliness. I was seeking solitude, I went to great lengths to find it. I inconvenienced some people, and just plain hurt others - all in search of my solitude. Now I have it - and I'm lonely.
Mean bastard.

Addendum & Erratum to Booze Post

Okay, so the Booze Post, (which has been removed from blog, sorry) generated quite the response, many discussions with friends, and much introspection. Good job, Booze Post. You did your job well.

BUT there is something I feel the need to clear up, re: self-medicating. In the post I discussed the running commentary in my head - in all our heads, I believe - and compared it to the crawl (that's the ticker, folks) at the bottom of the CNN screen (an analogy that, secretly, I think is genius ;) I went on to say that part of the reason I drink one too many glasses of wine from time to time is to turn the crawl off. This generated much concern from many friends.

Here's my spiel: isn't that why people do anything to excess? Weight-lifting, drinking, working, praying, reading, eating, having sex, shopping, yoga, scrap-booking, blogging, cross-word puzzles, swimming, movie-watching, list-making, over-scheduling our children, running...whatever your obsession: don't you do in part to turn off your crawl?

Now the discussions included another school of thought where it wasn't how I turn my crawl off that generated concern so much as the content of the crawl. To this I say, wisely : Phhhhllllbbbbtttttt!!!

Everyone's crawl is crazy. Grab some paper and a pencil and jot it down word for word sometime. I fiercely believe that you're all as nuts I am ;)