the history pt. 2

Well, it was more than that really. I sort of...forgot to be melancholy all the sudden. Things just didn't seem that bleak. I wish I could provide a more detailed description...it wasn't that things were great all the sudden, it was just that they didn't always suck.
And that left me all sorts of...well, empty. In a good way. What was gonna fill the void of all that 'sucking'? I realized that I could decide that. I had time, I had the interest, the inclination and the just-plain-ooomph to do the things I previously enjoyed talking about wishing for.
Before & after the zyban, I'd wake up in the morning and think "I'd love to take a hike today." That didn't change. What did change is the thought I'd have before bed that night: before antidepressants it was "I really should have taken a hike today"...and after anti-depressants that thought would be "wow - I'm so glad i decided to get up and take a hike." It occurred to me that perhaps I'd been depressed? Maybe this is what life was supposed to feel like?
Eventually, of course, the refills ran out, and my doctor wanted to have a real conversation with me before calling it in again (after all, I hadn't smoked in months...) To sit in front of my doctor and say out loud "I think maybe I'm depressed."....ugh. I practiced out loud in the car on the way there, imagined all sorts of reactions and questions, and felt a little guilty even - I had never curled up in the fetal position on my floor and dreamt up ways to off myself...did I have a right to that word, "depressed"? Was I just being - dare I say it - dramatic? In my naivete I imagined a health care system where doctors would try to dissuade patients from using pharmaceuticals except as a last resort...ha ha. Needless to say, no one wanted to talk me out it.
That was six years (and more than a couple doctors) ago. Medications & dosages have changed as those six have been my baby-bearing years. Different combinations of pills, therapy, and habits have helped me maintain...well, my sanity, I guess. Or maybe I'm just being dramatic?