and yesterday was bad. yesterday my son said he was "scared of me when i yell like that and make that scary face." i looked in the mirror to see my scary face, which was a very, very bad idea.
so when i woke up blue this morning, it was quite a relief. blue i can do. blue i can fake my way through. i indulge in the illusion that because i don't actively entertain the idea of offing myself, somehow how blue is under my command.
blue began this morning as a very pretty, self-indulgent shade of indigo.
it was cold. it was dark. it was raining. it was a perfect day for blue.
i put on a disingenuous smile and got the kids up & ready. anna had to put on her costume for her preschool halloween party, which nicely complimented my complete inability to enjoy something thoroughly enjoyable, as she was tickled pink and ridiculously cute and all that. i was less-than-usually annoyed with the "ouch your pulling!" whine that begins before i open the drawer with the brush in it, and was grateful for numbness.
blue settled in nicely on the cold, wet drive to drop anna off in spring grove. i was devising a plan. call off sick from work (i can proudly say this is the first time i've called off for depression with this particular employer. i coughed a lot during the call. kindly disregard, lone co-worker allowed this peek into my life) i was thinking of complimentary blue music to listen to on the way home. (ended up going with Ben Folds, which was an excellent choice) i was thinking of maybe watching Moulin Rouge, or What Dreams May Come, or Dead Poet Society, or some other movie guaranteed to turn on the water works. perhaps Sopie's Choice is available On Demand? i was, quite frankly, really looking forward to it.
on the way home, though, a detour - quite literally. an suv turned over on its roof on moulstown road. the following realizations unfolded, in this order:
1. i said a small prayer for the folks in the car. which is bizarre, as i'm not a Christian, and haven't "prayed" in the traditional sense since, maybe, early middle-school. is it weird that, in hind-sight, i fear this might be some sort of red flag?
2. wow i completely forgot to get freaked out about driving in the rain, particularly on moulstown, as i have every time since totalling my car (on that road, in the rain) last fall.
3. shit they're making me turn right and i don't know how to get home from there. this is such a pretty road. jigsaw-puzzle-picture road. all yellows & oranges. woods. red barns. stone houses. i want a stone house! i wonder if i'll ever have a stone house? would i be happy in a stone house? hogwash. attachment. ridiculous. i'll be happy when i develop the wherewithal to put into practice my steadfast belief that i am in control of my own happiness...
4. um...i should probably be feeling some sort of, i don't know, gratitude? that i'm alive and well and not in that suv? some inkling that that could have just as easily been me and how awful would that be?
the problem is...okay. the really very scary problem is that i couldn't muster that. i didn't necessarily wholly adopt the warm, welcoming idea that "well, shit, they won't have to worry about anything anymore". but i felt it there, sort of in a far corner of my brain, starting to gel, and put the kibosh on it before it had the chance to fully come to fruition. sort of a...pre-thought, that i stopped mid-melding. which i must say i enjoy a particular knack at doing. always have. if you stop yourself somewhere between sensing it and actually giving it an internal voice, then it doesn't really count. we all know that.
my pretty indigo was transmogrifying into a deep, midnight-y, ultra-marinish, harder-to-escape color. (this is where i went in search of the right term, which still escapes me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Shades_of_blue)
the bulk of my blue day was fairly disappointing. did some work, because, well, i just can't not do some work. allowed myself to get lost on Huffington Post, completely avoiding my melancholy, when what i really wanted to do was revel in it. even rearranged my dresser which is oddly energetic for this mood, brought little solace, and which i still don't completely understand.
but then i got to pick to sam up from school, and because i didn't have the cd in my car that he wanted to listen to, and because, well, he's sam, i enjoyed a berating of "i hate you"s and "i wish you weren't my mommy"s that managed to get me back on track. my little guy. thank you. i was looking for a broken heart all day...
the drive back from sam's after-school-thursday gig was just an almost orgasmic outpouring of tears, complimented beautifully by 'Still Fighting It' and 'Fred Jones Pt. 2'. (please, if you need a good cry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnU3zuqncwo) but then, you know, i had to pick up anna, and she was all exited about her party, and i had to, you know, feed her & bathe her and stuff. and then the ex showed up with sam, who he apparently fed halloween candy to for dinner, which annoyingly pre-empted the gratifying spiral into self-hating internal dialogue that i can usually count on his presence to inspire.
and now they're asleep. i told them a story about goblins and squinkees and candy. sam cried because he felt bad about telling me (again, at bedtime) that he hates me.
random thoughts that flashed in my mind today:
- its possible i do my kids more harm than good
- work will eventually figure out that i'm totally half-assing it
- no way the electric bill gets paid on time
- you are getting ridiculously fat. like, freshman year, second semester fat
- you really can't afford this $6.99 bottle of wine, which is funny & sad
- you have no real reason to be sad, you selfish, selfish bitch
- you're not good at much. you're not even good at being depressed
- you shouldn't post another blog so soon, you are emotionally exhausting your friends. how can they not be sick of you? i'm sick of you.
i may need to try again tomorrow.
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