On my non-existent 10-year anniversary...

I would've preferred not to wake up to a text this morning, from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, wishing me a Happy Anniversary.

10 years ago today, I was preparing my wedding. The florist was setting up, the cake was being delivered, I was having my hair done. I gotta say...I was pretty psyched (and not just from the breakfast mimosas). Instead of preparing for my wedding, though, turns out I should've been preparing for my marriage.

What a bitter-sweet day today is. I feel border-line guilty about this, but you know what? I had a gorgeous wedding. It was a beautiful day. I looked amazing. I was surrounded by family and friends, some of whom I haven't seen since. Is it weird that I remember my wedding so fondly, given it was the start of an unsuccessful marriage? And just how tacky would it be to display a pic of me on that day? Cause let's face it, I'll likely never look that good again...

At the same time, the sentiment of that day falls flat in my memory. Words said, promises made... I've spent many the hour of alone-time wondering: did I mean the words when I said them, then allowed life and time to change my mind? Or were they hollow from the get-go? Did the path veer off course, or was it the wrong path to begin with? Today, predictably, brings those questions to mind again (though it feels like well-traveled ground).

I'm trying t determine the value of answering those questions now. I'm a true believer in learning from mistakes. It seems perfectly sensible that I might make better decisions in my relationships moving forward if I can cultivate some lessons from the ghosts of relationships past. But then, I've already moved forward (with an amazingly loving man) and dwelling feels like... holding back. I imagine if I were dating (okay, living with) me, I probably wouldn't be too happy about me spending much time dissecting my previous marriage.

In a perfect world, these are questions I would've asked and answered previous to moving on. Timing seldom being perfect, Love presented itself to me before I had the chance to work through all that. And Love, the kind of Love I have now...well, you really need to grab it when you have the chance, perfect timing or not.

I guess I'm seeking...finality. Completion. I want to close this chapter of my life, confident that won't have to open that book again.

Unfortunately for me, finality runs a minimum $1000.00 retainer these days...